Often in life we strive to improve ourselves, but then for some reason, we find ourselves on the path of self-destruction. For example, once again we put off tasks for the night before a deadline, or on a date with an attractive man we start talking obvious nonsense. In short, we find ourselves in a situation where we know in advance that we are making the wrong choice – and still make it. But why? We’ll use examples and explain how to save ourselves from self-destruction.
What Is Self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is repetitive thinking and behavior that gets in the way of our goals. Psychologists believe that self-sabotage can be a manifestation of autoaggression – actions aimed at causing physical or moral harm to oneself.
For example:
- You have an important job interview in the morning. But you have been partying with your friends the night before.
- You plan to change the field of activity. But you always put off making a concrete plan of action, distracted by other things you enjoy. For example, instead of watching educational videos on web design, teaching, or writing a CV, you play at https://20bet.com/ca/live-casino or chat with friends.
- You dream of learning to dance. But almost all the dance studios, as if by chance, on the other side of town, and those that are close to home are too expensive, the schedule is inconvenient, in general, you won’t get there.
- You want a strong and stable relationship. But you choose an emotionally unavailable partner.
Often we sabotage ourselves without realizing it, and we may not notice the contradiction between our desires and actions. At the same time, if something doesn’t work out, we feel like a victim of circumstances. Therefore, self-sabotage can look very different.
Types of Self-sabotage
Procrastination
When you do anything but what you really need to do. According to psychologists, procrastination can be a consequence of feelings of depression, poor time management, and doubts about your abilities. From the outside it may seem that there are no reasons, and the person is just lazy.
Perfectionism
The belief that everything should be done perfectly. Perfectionism can seem like a positive quality. However, according to psychologists, this is how a person sacrifices his own success to an unattainable ideal. Excessive standards lead to endless procrastination and failure. When something goes wrong (and it is inevitable), perfectionists lose self-control and motivation. They become ashamed, it depresses them, and they feel as if everyone around them has been let down. The perfectionist’s desire to do everything perfectly ends up doing nothing.
Self-harming Behavior
Sometimes people may resort to alcohol, other psychoactive substances, or self-harm to drown out inner contradictions. For example, when we want to succeed at work, but are internally convinced that it’s impossible. Addictions can often be a consequence of avoidance – when it’s easier for a person to “pour out” whatever they are feeling because it’s too scary to deal with it.
Destruction of Meaningful Relationships
Self-sabotage in relationships is behavior that prevents them from being built and maintained. People prone to this type of internal sabotage expect things to end badly and seek to avoid disappointment. Psychologists attribute this to an insecure attachment style. When people don’t feel enough support from their partner, they find it harder to handle stressful situations and conflicts as a couple. They feel they have to protect themselves and either avoid the relationship altogether or seek to break it off as soon as things get difficult. A third version of self-sabotage is being stuck in a relationship that has long been unhappy because change is very scary.
Why Harm Yourself
Psychologists have long been trying to understand why a person destroys his or her own life. The very first study of self-sabotage looked like this. In 1978, researchers from Harvard gathered two groups of students and offered them to take tests. The first group took a knowledge and ability test, which they could handle. The second group was given a test where they could only answer at random. After the test, all participants were told that they had done very well, but needed to take another test. Before this, you could take a pill of your choice: one would make you “smarter” and the other would make you “stupider”.
We are afraid of failure and want to blame it on external factors – so we choose not to do what depends on us.
Of course, it was a placebo. But participants in the second group chose the “inhibitor” pill. Illogical? For whom: the subjects weren’t sure they had done well because of their knowledge. A possible failure they wanted to write off to the pill.
That’s how self-sabotage works. We fear failure and want to blame it on external factors – so we choose not to do things that are up to us. Self-sabotage reduces the risk of facing negative experiences. It’s an excuse to say, “Well, it wasn’t meant to be,” and to shrug off responsibility, regret, or shame if we fail to achieve a goal.
Therefore, psychologists believe that self-sabotage is a defense mechanism that provides a temporary escape from difficult experiences that we don’t want to face. For example:
Impostor Syndrome
If you feel you aren’t talented, intelligent or educated enough, it may seem easier to do nothing than to let someone “expose” you. A person with impostor syndrome may feel this way no matter how much experience and achievement they actually have in life.
Insecurity
If you want one thing and do another, you may not be completely sure of what you want. You may feel that all the options available are too difficult. Then self-sabotage can be an unconscious action, pushing for some option to stop painfully choosing. And then it reduces stress and anxiety. For example, when it’s scary to figure out a relationship with a person, we may endlessly put off the conversation. Subconsciously we hope that the person “will understand everything himself,” and the need to talk will disappear.
Fear of Success
Psychologists believe that one of the reasons for self-sabotage is the fear of success. It may sound illogical, but success involves more responsibility and risks. For example, if you are promoted, you will have to learn how to make business plans and calculate budgets, and also be responsible for the team, not only for yourself. A person may want to achieve success, but avoid the pressure associated with it, and as a consequence, change in general.
Fear of Judgment
Self-sabotage often comes from fear of other people’s expectations. Unconsciously, a person may fear rejection or ridicule from loved ones if he or she doesn’t achieve. This fear can be so strong that it “paralyzes” any action. It may seem that it’s better to do nothing than explain later why it did not work out.
How to Fight Yourself
Awareness is a key tool in combating self-sabotage. Here’s how you can use it to avoid falling prey to your fears.
Rethink Your Behavior
If you feel like you’re acting in a self-damaging way, don’t blame yourself for self-sabotage. Think of it as your psyche’s way of protecting itself from stress. Remember that “kicking” yourself is not only inhumane, but also useless. Try to treat yourself with empathy. Try to understand why you “go” in self-sabotage, what in life causes you fears and difficulties. Then you can find a way to overcome them.
Observe Yourself
You can keep a diary to keep track of patterns of behavior that often repeat themselves. If you find yourself repeatedly “screwing up” the chance to get a great job or build a relationship, think about why you’re avoiding them. If life begins to resemble Groundhog Day in terms of repetitive scenarios, you’re probably a victim of self-sabotage, not circumstance.
Think About Alternatives
Behind self-sabotage is often an avoidance of unpleasant experiences – like fear of rejection, commitment or imperfection. Once you manage to figure out exactly what it is you’re avoiding, try to think of alternative ways to act on each situation that you used to run away from in self-sabotage.
